I woke up this morning at 4. Tossing, turning, and planning my day, my week, my life. All this planning! It consumes us. I have lists of lists hidden all over the house, some are completed and some are not. Life has been a series of lists for me; a check of list of accomplishments or objectives: School…check, workout…check, eat….check, check. Degree….check, job….check, love life….check. Anyway, you get the point.
So you think, “So what Audra, we all have lists, and goals, and stuff we want to do.” Well for me, if something on that list doesn’t get completed in the time that I WANT it to, I am completely devastated and in a panic…almost to the point where I feel lost. I feel as though my world is crashing down and I have to start from scratch. Literally start from the beginning. Why is that you say? Well a few things that have been said to me from boyfriend, mom, and friends in the last six months have made really think about the way that I am about my planning and lists:
“Be Patient Audra!”
“That is your problem; you are not patient about anything.”
“Don’t force it!”
These things may be true, however if I look back, I have tried. I’m not a bad person for wanting things in my life and making plans. It works for me. It helps me day to day, week to week, and month to month. I literally had to re-invent myself this past year. And I want to continue to move forward but how can I not let my impatience get the best of me. Why do I have to be the one to change or wait for society to decide? Why can’t it be on my terms? Maybe that just isn’t how the world works.
I look at my bank account and my day to day lifestyle and I am completely devastated and when I get home I am drained from driving, working, scheduling, training, studying and then I make dinner. Everyday is a long day….for what? So hell ya, I am impatient! I put in my time; I did the things I was supposed to do. I didn’t party and screw off in college. I got through my checklist. I’m ready to start that career I am so passionate about.
While we are on the subject of me venting, I’m not trying to force anything but I watched a sweet innocent girl burry her boyfriend who she wanted to plan the rest of her life with. It haunts me every day. I see her face in my thoughts as a final prayer was said and I watched her go through her “never going to happen life in an instant.” I don’t want my boyfriend to die. There I said it! I don’t want to go through life and not experience the things that I want and are so dear to my heart. So hell ya, I am impatient! I’m so sorry Kirsten, I think of you all the time. I think of what could have been for you and then I portray it to my own life and it scares me. Scares me. So please forgive me for wanting to “force something.” There is a place inside of me that can not help it.
Usually I post events of visits or tags. I never really get down to the personal things. Mostly because I keep things in. I feel that I can deal with them, I just put them on the check list. Deal with issue…check. Seriously, I was told by someone that I never let anyone in. Yeah, that may be true so here you go. I’m letting you in on some feelings. Welcome. So there is a method to my madness. There is a reason why I act the way I do and want the things I want. Hopefully this post doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass.
So this is what 4 am does to you. Life is just life. It really isn’t a checklist. But in my world I have a method and it works for me. It keeps me stable….just a little impatient. Would it be double standard if I asked the world to be patient with my impatientness?
4 comments:
I totally know how you feel. You did all the right things, you worked hard, you want the reward that comes from all of that. I don't think that's a bad thing at all. If you weren't so driven, where would you be? I think it's perfectly acceptable to have a goal and want to finish it. What's that quote though...Life is what happens when you are making plans. I have a hard time stopping to smell the roses and appreciating the day to day sometimes. I think about your friend too and hope she is doing ok, though ok for her is now probably so different. Poor thing. Good job on planning your life, I think you are doing great!
Audra, I just noticed that I am 1st on your peeps list!! I always knew I was Your FAVORITE!!! LMAO!!
Hey Audra! I have been a blog slacker and just read your blog about your and raul's friend passing away! That is sad. My heart goes out to you guys and their family. It really does give you a wake up call. We just lost a dear family friend last friday. She was killed in a head on collision with a semi, outside of safford. It does make you start to appreciate things and make you start to think about what you really want in life.
Its not bad for you saying you don't want your boyfriend to die. Its good that you feel that way. You have done an awesome job with achieving so much in your life already. I think that you have a lot more greatness to come!! You are an amazing person. I think that sometimes we have to throw out the check list and just LIVE!! Its too short to always be worrying about what we don't have checked off yet. But checklists and goals are good things to have to lead us in the right directions, but if something comes up go with it.
God sometimes throws things at us to make us stronger. Like me expecting baby #3 right now. Totally not in my plans or even a thought and bam!! I'm pregnant. I was just fine with 2 kids and I really thought I was done. But I guess God had soemthing else in mind for me!
Anyways, sorry I have written a book. But I just wanted to let you know that you are loved and I am glad you expressed your feeling!! Sometimes its nice to have an outlet. Have a good day! Love ya
I'm still taking in that I don't have that rest of my life with him. I waited nine years for him to ask me to marry him, and even though it was worth the wait, I'm really not doing so well with the fact that it was taken from me right after it was given.
Before he died I grew terrified I was going to lose him and he started getting really clingy and cuddly and intense (so unlike him). I think somewhere on some level we both knew, and maybe it was his time. I really can't wait to meet back up with him. Life seems too hellbent on giving me a few more little lessons before releasing me to him just yet. Shrug. I cry day and night. Every time I do, I say "dammit" because I know in about 10 minutes my head will feel like it's going to explode. Damn crying headaches.
Audra, you are not going to lose Raul. He needs you right now and you are a rock to him. Thanks for thinking of me still. It feels sometimes like it's fallen off everyone's mind except mine.
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